Gamers' Sketches written by: Andrey Summers written on: 10/08/2005

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Shigeru Miyamoto loved to go out into his garden and think.  Wandering wistfully back and forth, he would gaze from begonia to petunia, and wonder about life.  “Miyamoto-san”, his wife would call him, “it’s time to go to work!” Then, he would swear under his breath, and kick over her favorite garden gnome, because Shigeru Miyamoto knew that his wife didn’t understand the creative process.

Peter Molyneux spent four years designing a game about playing god, and controlling the lives of thousands of people.  One day, Gabe Newell came over and asked him, “Peter, why are you spending so much time on this?”  “Because,” Peter Molyneux replied, “I’m sterile.”

Gabe Newell had put on a lot of weight because of the stresses involved in making a revolutionary sequel to Half-Life. He had also been lying about the release-date to his fans, and they were getting suspicious.  Not to mention that Vivendi Universal was suing his company for distribution rights.  During the middle of every day, Gabe Newell would lock himself in the walk-in freezer and whimper like a demented baby.  One day, Betty (a receptionist) almost caught him doing this, but he quickly grabbed a big tub of chocolate ice-cream as cover.  “Whoa,” Betty thought, “Gabe really has let himself go.”

Tim and Chris Stamper were really worried that they’d run their company, Rare, into the ground by selling it to Microsoft.  “Don’t worry,” said Tim, “we’ll be okay.”  But secretly, he was worried about Gabe Newell, who had really let himself go.

Hideo Kojima, creator of the Metal Gear Franchise, was very stubborn. Once, he forgot to take off his ski-mask after doing a few slopes near K2 (he was afraid of K2 itself, because it seemed so craggy).  When reminded, Hideo Kojima claimed he had left it on intentionally, and resultantly, he wore this ski-mask for eighteen months.  This was the period during which he invented the Metal Gear Franchise, but the ski-mask had nothing to do with that.

Bill Gates has a big chair, and everybody calls it his throne, but really it was probably cheaper than the chair you’re sitting in right now.  Bill Gates often laughs about this irony, because he knows he is very rich compared to you.

Once, Bill Gates was sitting in his big chair (which everyone calls his throne) and thinking about how he’d spent five million dollars on the game company Rare.  “I probably destroyed their entire infrastructure,” thought Bill Gates. “Is this what I’ve become?” Later, he asked his secretary that same question, but she was so afraid to answer wrong that she just told him how many helicopters he owned.  Bill Gates felt better, and gave her twenty dollars.

Sid Mier was deathly afraid of being forgotten.  He decided that he would place his name in the title of every single game he ever designed.  “That’s a stupid idea,” said Peter Molyneux, “because everyone will just ask ‘Who is Sid Mier?’ and you’ll only look foolish.”  “You’re right,” said Sid Mier, “I was blinded by my selfishness.” But he did it anyway, because he knew that Peter Molyneux was just jealous of his high sperm-count.

Peter Molyneux had long, long phone conversations every night with American McGee.  Sometimes, they would even watch the sun rise together, over the phone.  Once, American McGee asked if he should put his name in the titles of his games, to compete with Sid Mier. “Of course you should,” said Peter Molyneux.  Secretly, though, he just wanted people to laugh at American McGee’s name.  Peter Molyneux was jealous of his high sperm-count.

Shigeru Miyamoto loved to go out into his garden and think.  Once, Hideo Kojima (Creator of the Metal Gear Franchise) came by and said, “Miyamoto-san, I wish I had a garden like yours.  Then maybe I could innovate like you, instead of re-treading the same cliché steps with every sequel.” Shigeru Miyamoto took note of the ski-mask, but didn’t say anything. 

Once, Hideo Kojima (Creator of the Metal Gear Franchise) was having a business-lunch with Gabe Newell, who had really let himself go.  Hideo Kojima didn’t want to say anything, but then Gabe Newell asked him why he was afraid of K2 so much.  Hideo Kojima called Gabe Newell a loathsome swine, and stormed off.  Later, though, he felt bad about it, because he understood how acutely Gabe Newell was already aware of his own weight-problem.

Bill Gates picked up the phone, once, to call Tim and Chris Stamper and tell them he was sorry for buying their company.  He didn’t go through with it, though, because he didn’t actually feel sorry, and even though he is not compassionate, Bill Gates still prides himself on being honest.  Bill Gates gave his secretary twenty dollars, and she made the call in his stead.

Shigeru Miyamoto loved to go out into his garden and write hate-mail to Bill Gates on his laptop.  “Bill, you wretch,” he wrote once, “you bought my company’s shares in Rare without a thought- like a black-hole swallowing a huge space-ship full of marines in hibernation!  You are an abysmal mathematical anomaly, tearing the fabric of space and time!”  At this point, Shigeru Miyamoto got a brilliant idea for a videogame, and didn’t know if he should send the hate-mail, or save it in his “Game ideas” folder.  In the end, he did both, because he knew that Bill Gates had blocked his IP address months ago, anyway.

Peter Molyneux decided that he would hold a press-conference and tell the world that he was sterile.  That night, he called American McGee and asked if this was a good idea.  “No, Peter, you should really think about this,” said American McGee.  He really was a good friend, and Peter Molyneux felt bad about giving him duplicitous advice in the past.  “Okay,” he said, “speaking of bad ideas, have you seen Gabe Newell lately? He’s really let himself go.”  “Agreed,” said American McGee, “I think his job is affecting the way he looks.”  Peter Molyneux didn’t answer, because he’d just gotten the idea for Fable.

Once, Gabe Newell invited Hideo Kojima (Creator of the Metal Gear Franchise) to see Half-Life 2’s new face-mapping technology.  Hideo Kojima agreed, because he wanted to patch things up between them, but Gabe Newell had been driven mad by the leaking of Half-Life 2’s source-code, and locked Hideo Kojima in the walk-in freezer for eighteen hours.  Hideo Kojima (Creator of the Metal Gear Franchise) began to believe he was on K2, and passed out.  If his ski-mask hadn’t conserved his body-heat, he would today be dead.

Tim and Chris Stamper began to suspect that their role as the owners of Rare was largely superficial.  They took up Origami for a few weeks, but then called Bill Gates in desperation with questions about how to live their life.  Bill Gates was scared, and wouldn’t talk to them. 

Sid Mier has been forgotten.