There is a good chance this is the single most boring game ever made. It’s boredom is not crafted out of disinterest in the subject matter (Like, say, Barbie Ocean Discovery). Instead it is the most divine and holy form of boredom. Made of particles from the far lands of Tedium, and stinkweed from the annals of Confusion-town, this is a potent boredom. It almost hurts.

KOEI’s latest disasterpiece takes place in the Ancient Orient – an original setting for this company. It’s a historical simulation. Yes, they exist. There are several scenarios for you to complete, each with it’s own retardedly convoluted storyline. The main gameplay elements range from simple interactions with other officers to full-scale real-time-strategy-esque combat. Ultimately, the game is an adventure in empire-building and maintenance. You choose allegiances, form armies, fight battles, and talk endlessly with NPCs. In fact, I found most of the game consisted of visiting different places and talking to different people, all complete with their ambiguous names.

That’s the thing that really broke this game for me. It’s strange because the issue of names seems so small, but it has a great impact. There are so many players in the empire with so many different names ranging from “Cao Cao” (who you will all know from EVERY other KOEI game) to “Ta Dun.” Perhaps somebody better versed in Asian linguistics would have an easier time. Unfortunately, it’s severely detrimental to the game as the player loses track of who’s doing what. There is no sense of individual character actions in relation to the overall plot.

The most attractive thing about RotTKX is that each event feels like it’s another step in satiating the megalomaniacal desire to rule sixteenth century Asia. The only problem is there are so many factors to building your kingdom and empire that it’s difficult to truly have a concept of your personal power, and the empire’s power.

The battles come in three forms: Duel, Debate, and Siege. The Duel and Debate battles take similar forms. It’s like a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. However, rather than making an effort to incorporate the idea of this battle system in to the game’s storyline, they essentially left it as Rock, Paper, Scissors, but changed the names. Despite the lack of creativity, Duels are moderately fun, if only for the cries of victory the characters let out.

Sound doesn’t play a major role in RotTKX. It serves mainly as background noise to the rest of the game. When you enter different areas in the city (which are done by selecting them in the menu. Nobody ever heard of 3D movement?) the music changes accordingly. Taverns have sounds of drunkards, farms have sounds of sheep, and so on. Overall, it only serves to further confuse the unbelievable amount of information this game asks you to process.

Don’t get me wrong – it doesn’t have a steep learning curve. It’s relatively easy to play, but very difficult to play well, and as a result, difficult to feel immersed. RotTKX creates a lush Asian environment with promises of heavily dramatic events, and riveting plots. Then they scare you off by throwing around a thousand and one NPC names and city names during mindless banter. You know, when I’m on a quest to transport some cattle, I don’t give a shit what the specialty of Nan Pi is, let alone will I remember it in ten minutes.

The flaws in this game clearly outweigh the benefits. It seems to be designed for Asian history majors with a penchant for watching paint dry. RotTK is an almost entirely menu-driven game that spews out useless dialogue like crap after bad Mexican. It’s boring, frustrating, and very, very heady. The only way you should play this game is if it’s assigned for some history class. Even then, I recommend that you drop said class immediately.

Two closing eyelids out of five